I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
