afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The struggles of a small town man whore
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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