literally had 100 drinks last night.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
