I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
