ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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