Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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