Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
