Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
