A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
