I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
