his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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