I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
