Whatcha textin bout Willis?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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