we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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