thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
