i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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