she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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