Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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