Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
