I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Use "feeling words"
Yay
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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