I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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