It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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