A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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