when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Well I just put wine in my tea
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
