If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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