another moral hangover. fuck.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
