I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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