Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
