Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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