If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
this hospital has no fireball
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
