Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
