Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
