i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
