Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
