You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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