Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
