oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
