one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
