I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
