I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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