You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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