I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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