I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
