So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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