Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
