I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
