Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
