No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
