I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
