I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
