My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
